well theres nothing else good on...im bored..was gonna up and vist tifnay and neisa..but they had other plans..maybe tomarow?..donno.....but might have a job soon...hopefully.

i still dont know wat to do about the whole who to be with..now theres a new person..but i doubt nething new will happen..ill still be with whats her name next week..and the week after that..i shouldnt have to compete for someone..why cant i just leave her?

hmm..well i dont know still what road to take..im tired of being lied to...mistreated...everything...now my mother might be put into a fuckin physc ward bc she like us all has lost it...my "sister" is in jail..i wish i could catch a break and just be better...but i just cant help to sag my head sometimes...i always tell myself...at least im alive,i have a place to live,a family that cares..even if we've all lost it..in 20 days i get off my drving probation and will finally be bale to drive past 10! thats the only good news lol..oh and playboy came today haha...wat a kawinkedink huh..on valentines day ahhaha...but oh well i just wanted to get all nice lookin go see step up 2 and then come home and get fucked up...well since i have no one to do ne of that with and they havent uploaded the movie on the net yet so...ill just smoke away all the pot i have...oh well...i always have tomarrow..

i never would of even imagined being with this girl..shes crazy in a good wat..she know how to have fun being sober..and not sober..and i cant get her off my mind..i dont know what to do with this life of mine..i have nothing to show for the 18yrs of work i put in..but i do know this..that making her my ex...was a mistake..and i will never know how she truly felt about me..i donno if she even liked me the way i liked her..i tend to fall very easily for people..and the thing was i never thought about my past ex when i was with her...she was my there and now...nothing else matterd..and i did not want to end it..I DIDN"T i really liked her...hell i could loved her..that all i wanted was someone to love me and for me to love them..and i shoulnd't of been embarriesed to tell people she was my girl bc of some shit she did n the past..when my ex ex.. asked me about her i held my head high and said yes im dating .....  is that a problem..and then all that drama with her come to effect..and now..im still stuck in this 10ft hole with no help or any idea of how to get out..

i have nothing...no girlfriend anymore..no best friend..the girl i thought i would spend the rest of my life with..just cant seem to to tell the truth. im literlly my uncle but younger..no mutual friends...no job..no schooling..and i smoke pot at least once a day..i never thought it would be like this..i always dreamed of me being in college..having somebody..thats steady and dont play games or fuck around..i dont kno what path to take anymore..i seem to be knockin on heaven n hells door..but no one answers...so they leave me sat here..lifeless..miserable..its 2:00 and not only has the light show from the storm kept me up..but my brian wont seem to shut down either..i can stop thinking about her..and how things coulda been..who i should be with..who i need to be with..how i should be living.. ikno im the only one who can change the road i take..but why look forward if you see nothing worth looking at?

well..i thought i was happy...mannn was i wrong..ya know i told her i would breakup with my girlfriend after all the bullshit,the begging,the fusing,the fighting..n now she has doubts,,,that really shows that she reallly wants to be with me..ya kno i told her friend i could see myself with her forever..n i asked her..who do u see yourself with more..me...or him? she said either of you...now shes not a crazy bitch...she is a straight up bitch..the hole gets deeper and deeper and these yellow shorts keep gettin tears poured on them the deeper i fall... 

   as i 360 around n around i cant help but notice that im not the only car on the road..i almost died..if my porr little car wouldnt of moved that one little inch..he woulda just ramped right through me..im sitting here..lost still..had a great night last night,but regret sinks in...i dont know what to do anymore or who to be or who to be with..i wanna be happy but they both seem to do that..i know she might change and i know she might not..i hate this..im serisously really thinking about just packing up everything..and going..not coming back not looking back just so i can breathe...i love this girl and would merry her in a heartbeat if we wernt the way were are..and if i wasnt falling for someone else..i have no one to turn to anymore so i vent to cyberspace hoping someone might lend a tender shoulder to cry on..but as i kno..no ones out there...i love all my friends and my family..im thinking iwish that semi woulda took me out.... 

well well well...back at it again..what to do what to do..when your everything ends it..finds out you got a new girl..n then begs and pleas for you back..i never thought it would come down to that..i really thought it was over and i was happy just being friends..."ive lost everything,now ive lost you...what is there to live for..tomarrow im just gonna kill myself just so i can be happy and end all of this bullshit" what are you post to do,say,react to that...i love this chick with all of my heart..but i dont kno what to do..we dont make each other happy anymore..we argue like its our job..weve come oh so close to beating the shit out of each other...literly..i think ive dug myself a 10ft hole with her..and cannot escape..id like to be with her n be happy but..i wonder if thats even possible...But on a better note..im all done  with my school work for the moment..all they have to do is send it back tellin me weither or not i passed..then i get my DIPLOMA!!!!! then i can really start this life of mine...and hopefully by then everything will be setteld and everything will be sane again bc im tired of being insane...anddd my mother wants to get me a one way ticket to arizona..hmm i wonder how that would go...wanna get high?
...and i dispize these yellow shorts of mine..they make me look...pale..er

oh...and they better release the new batman movie..i have been looking forward to that ever since i heard they were making a new one... and health ledger..sucks he died..my sympathy, but they better release it..mmm batman... haha :)
BATMAN!!!

well i never thought this day would come...not friend,nothing..i wish it wouldnt of happend this way but im glad we ended things on a good note..i will always love her...and i also relized that ya kno i have changed and i have lost and gained so much in this process..im not sure what to do anymore..the people that would talk just to say hi..and have a quick conversation only call for pills now-a-days...so swere did all my friends go..my best freind doesnt even bother to talk to me nemore bc hes off busy in his own little world..it seems i only have one person..her..my new girlfriend but i wonder if its even worth it..its another fuckin distance bullshit..and prolly will end just like the rest..i finished all my school work and am ready to start new and fresh..but what happens if the real world rejects me..who will be there to hold me up...tell me its okay? all i have had is lost and gone...i have nothing to show for alll the hard work ive done.. im not sure what to do anymore..were did everybody go?

i hate to say it but we have sperated..it sucks bc i really didnt mean to make you mad that one day we hung out..i knew u didnt want to go home..i didnt want to take you home either bc i love being in your company..we had nothing to do no place to go..and my car is a piece on gas..if i woulda had more money or more gas i would of drove around for hours just to be with you...and i really wanted to hang out with u on saturday bc i was so happy and i would been even more happy to be in your presence...and i tryed to talk to u about it within the next couple of days and u just seems ajitated with me.,,ever since sat things seem to just have been goin down hill..im sicker than hitler..and i am heart-broken bc me n the misses have decided to go our seperate ways for good..and stay as she say "friends" but that aint gonna last shes too jelous..i told u id wait forever..and i sitll will bc your are one of the realest,coolest,sweetest,loving, red haired beauty i have ever meet....please dotn leave me i value wat we have as friends so much!

 i hate wat you've made of me...
this whole time i never once have been happy
and you tell me you love me...
you think your such a great lier dont you
well let me tell you..i know EVERYTHING
how dare you scream and yell at me bc i want to move on
look at you...all these boyfriends..and you still keep me on the side
you were a sad obseeion..and i dont need you anymore
yes..id like to still be friends..and i want you to be happy
but..i NEED..no fuck that i HAVE to be happy and im not with you
i can be your friend..lets see if you can be mine
and accept my descion to see other people
but i must say..your better at this game than i..
but i actually care about the people i have..
im not the compulsive lier sweetie..you are
and your right..im not in love with you..
but i do love you as a friend
and for now thats ALL IT WILL BE
n if we was ment to be babygirl...
we will find each otherlater in life...
sorry..but thats how i feel..accept it

im tired of tasting these bitter tears
wasting my time..with nothing in return
dont tell me ive changed..
bc i havent
you bring out the bad in me..
and you wonder why i lied to you about all these other girls
they make me smile..and make me happy
and even when my mother tells me i need to get rid of you
that should be a big enuf sign
you were once my little angel..
now..i dont know at you are anymore..
but remeber..that im always here for you kid

 i never thought i would be this way...whipped by a bitch that dont give two shits about nebody but her self..n wehn i finally find someone i really dig..i cant "man" up n tell her to back the fuck off n let me do as i please...so now im faced with a dilema...let go of something that was so srtong..or give her a try n see wat she can offer me?........

FUCK!